As I sat down in class today, listening to my French teacher explain the grammatic rules of using verbs in the perfect tense with the auxiliary verb être (to be) to a group of blanked faced teenagers, I found myself thinking, “how great is English?”. Everything is so simple; there are no adjective agreements, no complicated conjugation of verbs just for the sake of it and definitely no masculine or feminine objects. The French may have enough time on their hands to decide whether an inanimate object is male or female but here in the U.K we believe in the right of a pencil to be an “it”. We do not believe in the segregation and division of objects; forcing them to use different adjectives because they have been given the stereotypical label of feminine, masculine, singular or plural. Why must a pencil be blanc (white) when a ruler is blanche (white)? Does that sound like justice? Nevermind the fact that we poor British students have to learn this all by heart or face the prospect of being the laughing-stock of the whole French community because we are unable to decide if that chair looks like it may be a madame or a monsieur. Can you imagine the horrified looks that will be shot at us by old French women wearing Berets, eating their breakfast croissants if we make the mistake of addressing that park bench in the wrong way… “stupid British youth. Can they not tell? Clearly that bench is of the male species!”
This is a serious problem faced by many English-speaking tourists who visit France and I, being the kind and thoughtful person that I am, am on a mission to put an end to this nonsense. As soon as I find the address of the French President I will be writing him a very strongly worded letter of complaint, and after he reads my perfectly logical argument he will have no other option but to adopt the English language. I mean, you can’t watch X-factor in French. Is that not reason enough?