Is this a sign or a teenage dream?

It follows me. Everywhere I go, it is not too far behind. Everywhere I look, it is peeking at the corner. It changes colour, as if to hide itself from me, but I can see past that. It is difficult for an outsider to tell which is the one with the obsession. The stalker or the one that likes to be stalked. Perhaps it is destiny that allows two to pass each other by, close but unattainable for the moment. I wish.

I am not a car enthusiast and in the past if you had asked me what my dream car was I would have given you a colour but with this car it is different. I know nothing about my future vehicle and have only just managed to narrow it down to a Volkswagen Beetle but why bother with the finer details when I can recognise its cheeky shine from a mile a way? I can only come up with one word to describe it : cute. So, incredibly cute and not mine.

I haven’t yet got a license and my only experience of driving is bumper cars and the Legoland Driving School but already I have a mental claim on the car. I’m on a constant hunt for “my car” and a trip to the supermarket is usually accompanied by at least three exclamations of “look, it’s my car”. The poor delusional teenager in me is for lack of better words…delusional.

Only recently have they started to pop up everywhere. Perhaps they have become more popular or maybe I have suddenly become aware of them. Either way, I’ll take it as a sign. What other explanation could there possibly be? A higher power must be trying to tell me something, a little sneak peek into my future? Coincidence is overruled at the third time. Please let it be fate.

Last night I had the most peculiar dream that really shows the extent of my obsession. An old lady was driving my car, it was electric blue and a 1972. Then, with as much tact as a curious toddler, I kindly asked her to leave it to me when she reached her expiry date. Thoughtless and not something I think I would usually do, but in my defense it was a dream. It was just a pity that she remained living for the entire duration of my slumber. It seems that even in my fantasies there is a limit.

By the time I save up enough, cars will probably be a thing of the past. We will all be teleporting from place to place or too lazy to leave our television sets so I’m not even going to start. Instead I will hope that destiny can overcome a £15,000 price tag and until then I’ll keep dreaming. As my mother says: it doesn’t cost a thing.

However, if any one is lucky enough to own one of these cars and is feeling charitable feel free to come knocking at my door. I don’t mind if you intervene with destiny and speed up the process I will welcome you with wide open arms and an almighty grin.

How about you, what is your dream car? Colours are acceptable 🙂


Washing up: A thing of the past

Since the beginning of time, women from all over the globe have suffered through daily hardship. At the end of each meal, as the cave men went out to hunt for the next, the poor wives, daughters and conquests were left with the bloody task of washing up. As centuries went by this form of gentle torture continued, expanding as people became civilized and decided that plates and cutlery were a good idea. Although, the rich privileged upper-class would never experience the trauma of having to touch a plate but with their engraved silver knives and forks, imparting the unpleasant chore on to their poor downstairs servants.

Then, in the 1900s, under the false guise of attaining equal voting rights, the suffragette movement began; its true aim to eradicate washing up. An aim which was not achieved. However, it did serve to drag men, kicking and screaming, into the kitchen and offer a clumsy helping hand, lessening the burden of 20th century women.

Fast forward a few years and meet the modern-day world. With the speedy progression of technology and the fast pace of life, washing up has become a hindrance, and an unnecessary obstacle that has fortunately been eliminated thanks to the most revolutionary invention of our time. No, I don’t mean paper plates. I mean… The Dishwasher.

This miracle machine has improved the lives of many working mothers, aquaphobics, pensioners, lazy college students etc. and now that list will extend to include my family. At long last, after months of my father obsessively searching the internet for the best prices and my mother constantly giving hints, reminders and complaints, we have received our new dishwasher! It probably has something to do with the fact that my aunt is coming for a two-week visit but why ponder the reason when I could just be grateful?

From my extreme excitement you would be fooled into thinking that I actually did the washing up but it is had always been my father’s area of expertise. At the end of each meal, armed with soap and sponge, he would be the first to get up, leave to his post at the sink and dutifully wash up as we brought him the dishes. Those days are over. Sorry Dad, but you’re out of the job.

There’s an App for that

There’s an App for that.

That has been my catchphrase for the past month, ever since I joined the wonderful high-tech world of Apping. Despite not considering myself a techy, I have quickly become a regular appendage to my new Android smart phone and it carries me everywhere, or rather the other way round. My reliance on my new phone is mainly due to its amazing transformative abilities, allowing me to use it in place of many heavier items. It can become whatever I want it to be because, ladies and gentlemen, “there’s an App for that”.

The thing about the app world is that it is absolutely overflowing with thousands of different applications for your smart phone. They range from the ingenious to the appallingly absurd and vary in different degrees of randomness so it’s difficult to pick out the apples from the leaves. In my amateur days I would naïvely download every single app that appeared to have the slightest bit of use to me, leading to much annoyance and a lot of disappointment. However, I have now managed to come up with my own classification system, narrowing them down into three categories.

The useful

These are the apps that now that I have discovered, I couldn’t live without.  In case of a power cut, my phone can become a torch in whichever colour seems most appropriate for the situation or even display police flashlights to deter an approaching kidnapper. Not that I have ever been in either situation but you can never be too prepared. When boredom hits, my phone is a book. When an idea appears it’s a notebook. The uses are endless. I have even discovered an interesting app that tells you which is the best moment to go to the toilet during a movie! You never have to miss the climax again.

The not so useful

These are the worst. I put so much hope and faith in an app when I am downloading it only to get let down because they do not work as I so foolishly apprehended. They exaggerate their use and deceive me into installing them by cleverly disguising themselves as appealing technological miracles. An app that turns my phone into a massager! Am I really that gullible? Apparently so. All it did was cause my phone to vibrate pathetically, providing none of the expected relaxation or pleasure. Then there was the mobile metal detector that failed to recognize any metal kitchen appliances and remained completely inactive when placed in the cutlery drawer, proving that it was not simply a case of sensitivity. Deleting is the only thing to do when faced with these faulty frauds that do little more than take up storage space. Do I really need a hypnotizer or water sound effects to help me pee?

The time wasters

These are the dangerous ones. A must have for procrastinators. Instead of finally finishing that essay or in some cases starting it, you can pass your precious limited time taking part in various activities including smashing ants, popping pimples and ripping toilet paper. They keep you entertained for approximately 3-4 minutes before you move on to the next mindless activity. I wouldn’t normally approve of  this moronic, extremely basic use of time but in the waiting room before an appointment or at the bus stop you can really appreciate the short lasting, fast acting amusement they bring.

The difficulty in finding the useful apps, avoiding the useless apps and limiting the time wasters is that you never really know which category they belong to until you have tried them out. What one app-er may find bizarre, another may find a necessity. Perhaps you may not agree but another (geeky) person may find it vital that his phone have the ability to transform itself into a light saber. So, before you start downloading every single app and then wondering what happened to your month’s savings, apply my number 1 rule: do not pay! Consider that what you are buying has the potential to be absolutely worthless and take advantage of the many free apps available in the market.

However, there are some apps that I would be more than happy to pay for if they actually existed. Hold the applause, but my own creativity has surprised me and I have come up with the innovative idea of an app that converts your mobile into a portable fan! What do you think? It sure beats my mother’s idea of an iron.

What is your favourite app and what creative app idea have you come up with?